I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
