it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
That accounts for only three of the penises
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
