May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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