Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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