I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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