I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
