I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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