smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
