I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
