I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
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This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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