your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
