I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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