i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
