I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
