All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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