Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Non-Jews are for practice
i just had sex bonerless
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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