mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
