You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
