I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
