Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
