he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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