There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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