just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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