Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
