There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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