I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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