Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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