I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize