I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Randomize
