Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
