the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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