someone get that fucking seahorse.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
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