Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
what day is it and did you see me today?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
We just shotgunned beers for America
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
