Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
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She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
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Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize