Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
