She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
