Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
