real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
