My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
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