Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
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