I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
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I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
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All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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