In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
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You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
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All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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