I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
