one word: firstdatebathroomanal
sarcasm needs its own font
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
whose parrot is this?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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