All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
