How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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