I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
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arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
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I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌