I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
