I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
