Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
this hospital has no fireball
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
