I'm so fucking centered right now
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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